A Very Naughty Christmas

Dear Santa, 

All I want for the holidays is a quiet weekend in Vermont, sipping eggnog with best friends and ogling ski instructors. Please don’t let Millie and Anya bring along their boyfriends to serenade me with the Carol of the Orgasms. And for the love of Christmas, pretty please don’t let them play matchmaker by inviting my ex-best-friend Henri Stone to crash the party with mistletoe in hand.

Did you put me on the naughty list, Santa? Because Henri keeps smiling like he’s your elf … and he seems to want me to jingle his bells.

Yes, I asked for gorgeous. 

Yes, I asked for fun.

But I didn’t ask for Mr. Heartbreaker-of-the-Century, over whom I’ve foolishly been pining since high school. 

There’s a reason Henri and I don’t talk anymore. Trust me, even if Millie dresses me up in a naughty Mrs. Claus outfit, it won’t change the fact that I refuse to become Henri’s hot holiday ho-ho-ho.

Santa, are you trying to ruin Christmas?

I’m begging you, stop all this picturesque snow from falling. Henri and I shouldn’t be left alone with the power out, because one of us is going to burn down the holiday tree.

Desperately seeking a Christmas miracle,

Rose Ledger